Mal's Heart
by SamChikane
Summary: This is the my take of a lost scene between River and Mal after he decides to go to Miranda. It's what I think of his relationship with the crew. My interpretation. One-Shot


**Autor's Note**

 **English is not my mother tongue, so I appreciate your support for any corrections.**

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He threatened his crew with is gun and forced them to desecrate the bodies of those who once were his friends, all to carry on a suicide mission. His eyes pierced with anger and pain, he retreat and sought forgiveness in a small white hut, where Shepherd Book stood that very morning.

River found him there shortly afterwards and he looked at her with the same eyes he had always had, but, for the first time, she saw direct to his soul, she saw the man who had lost faith, joy, innocence, devotion, arrogance, conviction, peace, all those things he lost that night in Serenity Valley, where his world collapse, all those things that he found and cherish in his crew.

He turned his back on River. She looked at him and wondered why, Mal, knowing that she probably already knew it, answer her silent question, he just wanted to say it out loud. Without looking at her, without even turning. He spoke:

 **"Every human being has the right to defend himself, his family and his home. The home can be people or a ship. Serenity is my home.**

 **When I was a soldier, I refused to give up, I defended the right to be free with a conviction as strong as the air we need to breathe, but in Serenity Valley, when I saw the alliance crush our army from the air, I buried my faith, buried my world, then found a home, when I saw that ship, I found a place where I could put my heart and where I would find that freedom. And over time, I formed a family, with longings and dreams of their own, I just wanted to chase the stars and look at them now –** he said showing to her the image that was on the shelf, the only personal touch in the home of Shepherd, an image that shows all of them together.

 **Inara wanted to flee, I don't known from what, in time she found peace, but then things changed and she wants to run again, this time from me, from what I represent. For her I am a dark being full of pain and anger incapable of anything else, she says she keeps seeing diferents sides of me and that confuses her a little, but at the end, she seeks something more, something else beyond the cold and darkness in the galaxy and I chase the cold and darkness of the galaxy.**

 **Zoe wants to chase little feet through the ship, she wants someone pure and innocent, to see the galaxy with pure eyes. She wants the immortality that comes with a kid, the proof that we existed, that her love with Walsh will leave behind more than a ship, bullets, tiny toys, she wants someone that reminds them. And she has the conviction that it will be so, that the war we fought and lost or rather I lost, she born soldier so she only lost a war, is not big deal for her, big deal for her is her dream.**

 **Walsh wants to continue playing with tiny toys and feel the warmth of Zoe's heart on his chest. He asks for nothing more than wake up every day looking at her, as simple as that, is so scared of been responsible for a kid, in his heart he want that with Zoe, but in his mind he thinks is never going to be prepared to be a father.**

 **Jayne wants to follow the bright pot full of gold that hides at the end of the rainbow, and in his mind is within reach of his hand if he has enough aim and bullets.**

 **Kaylee wants to follow the motor that tunes the rhythm of her heart and wants to have her illusion and to follow it until the end of the time, with more joy than you would believe possible and with more yearning than I will ever have again.**

 **Simon, your careless brother, persecutes the conviction of his duty and love for you to the farthest reaches of the galaxy, his conviction that you would have do the same for him if the places were reverse and I have no doubts that If he had to do it again, he would. He follows you like a ship to a lighthouse, he loves his baby sister, but he does not see who can give him peace in his heart.**

 **Sheppard wanted to see the galaxy and to know if men were still worthy of the gift of God. And he had is faith set on the fact, that one day I would be returning to the flock, and nearly made me believe it was possible. He was just following his faith.**

 **And you, River, you just want to be free, you want to go back to being who you were before the lab, before Serenity. Before us and someday you will, because your eyes see everything without falsehoods, without secrets. You just follow your instincts.**

 **And me? I want to give my heart, my ship to a woman that I know I don't deserve. I want you to see my home as hers but you she doesn't want to see me. My home is not enough. I lost a war and I couldn't handle it.**

 **Since I can't give any of them their dreams, I will fight to grant yours...**

 **I'll let Inara decide if my heart is valuable enough to give it a shot because it's hers until it stops beating maybe even after.**

 **I can't help Zoe to convince Walsh to have a child, they have to work it out by themselves.**

 **Jayne, well he is easy, he will keep searching for that bright pot full of gold till the end of his days.**

 **I can't encourage Simon to give Kaylee an opportunity, he has to be able to see it by himself, sometimes I wonder if he is really smart because only an idiot will let someone like Kaylee pass by.**

 **So, cause I am unable to give them what they want, I'll follow you, I'll make sure that you have your freedom. You didn't ask for any of this and you don't deserve it, I give you my word that you will have your freedom, even if it cost me all the air in my lungs and the engine of Serenity."**

During his speech he didn't turn to look at River, and when he finish he simply kept silent, never saw the radio in River's hands or the fact that during his monologue the radio was on...


End file.
